Warning: a raw and unintelligible thought-dump*
Saw the phrase “the thoughts have been eating into me,” and I feel exactly that way now.
I can’t bear the way he speaks to me sometimes. As if he handles the words more gently just for me, as if he tastes them in his mouth before delivering them forth. “Well, I guess I’ll see for myself.” Well, I guess I’ll see for myself. Smirking words. Stargirl once said, “I roll the words in my mouth over and over again”–I’ll have to look at the quote again–and I’ve been doing that so much, wearing the mundane conversation down to a nub. Memorizing–and amplifying–the playful lilt of the back-and-forth in my head.
When he said that, even I didn’t realize how sharply I would remember it. Some words set you ablaze. Others start a lazy, around-the-edges burn that isn’t even noticeable at first.
I’m always thinking of hypothetical scenarios and hypothetical conversations:
“____, you’d be an 8
I mean, you’ve got good skin, fancy hair, a nice profile.
You were never bad-looking
(well, except maybe in middle school)
It’s just your personality that’s repulsive,” I would say, with a slow grin, but the teasing statement wouldn’t be a tease, not really. At the moment, at least, I totally mean it. Does that mean something is wrong with me?
When Paul texted me I didn’t cry because of any of the conventional reasons (which seems like a frequent trend, for me). I was overwhelmed by intense guilt–guilt that I questioned his faith, guilt that I was already moving on. Because the sole thing I wanted to prevent–damaging you–was happening. The shattering wasn’t even mollified by a mutual destruction. Paul, we have swirled into a complete 180, and I cry because I know exactly how it feels to lov e seomeone and be uncertain (and doubtful) of their reciprocation. I know the sleepless nights, the wild fantasies, the tightly-packed desire that laps at the heart. I know how it feels to burn quietly, and slowly.
*Hi. I just needed to get some words out, and since I like the format of WordPress posts so much, I dumped it all out here. I do feel better. I wasn’t going to publish this but I feel bad about not posting in such a long time (don’t worry, just Junior year-business). Also, there are a few poetic glints within the vomit.
I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while–about making the blog more flexible and freewrite-y and less concerned about quality. (Eek! When I put it that way, it sounds pathetic). Basically, from now on I’m going to try to write more regularly, which will of course inadvertently result in more mundane, journal-like posts, but I’ll also try to write more quality pieces to make up for it. Things are incoherent like this will have the italicized “warning” at the top and will also be categorized as freewrite.