Honest College Applications

how dare you

Yes — it’s that time of my life.

I sort of kind of wish that we didn’t have to sell ourselves to colleges with the strength of our convictions.  If I could reply “lol idk” to some application prompts, I certainly would.  Here are some frequent college-questions that I can only reply to with a huge shrug.

“Who are you?  Tell us about yourself!”

Is it possible to sue colleges for triggering existential crises?  Because, honestly — who the hell am I?  I am an ambiguous gray blob.  I’m pretty sure half of my personality consists of winged eyeliner.  The other ratios are murky, but I know the Pacific Rim film takes up a good chunk of the remainder.

“What do you wish you were better at being or doing?”

How the fuck am I supposed to answer this?  This seems like the place where an annoying person would write “I work too hard 🙂 . ”  On the other extreme, you could reveal something devastatingly problematic about yourself.  I’m stuck, because I have no “too-perfect” flaws (I’m not ambitious/hardworking/selfless/etc. enough) and my real flaws range from petty to concerning.  There is no way I can submit what I really want to say:

I wish I would not spill crumbs all over the place when I eat.

I wish I would stop taking long-ass and honestly debilitating naps.

I wish I wasn’t so goddamn insufferable.

I wish I wasn’t so cripplingly socially inept.

I wish I acted like I have a soul more often.

I wish discomfort would stop consuming me in almost all social situations.

and my personal favorite:

I wish I wasn’t so frequently crushed by the terror of mortality.

I guess I’ll have to think of something.  They’ll probably appreciate something a bit lighter than that.

Thanks for reading!  This may become a series.



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