Diary of a Soft Heart

I’m looking back on my earlier post about my fear that my conditions for love are growing so rigid and strict, I’ll lose the joy of loving things.

At the moment, I can’t recall what that mindset feels like.  Right now I am acutely aware of how vulnerable my heart is — and I’m not thinking about the happiness that accompanies love, but its pain. A soft heart not only finds abundant joy and beauty in ordinary things; it also bruises easily and always bleeds.

I’m just going to say it!  I’m in love with people — so many people.  Not necessarily in the sense that I wanna kiss them or date them or be in relationships with them…I hate that I have to make that distinction at all, because I feel that my love for people shouldn’t be diminished just because it’s not romantic.

The truth is, it doesn’t take much for someone to be elevated in my mind; after only a few interactions, I can find myself caring very deeply for a person, even if we hardly know each other.  I feel like I am constantly a great outpouring of emotion; I give away fondness and admiration like free handouts.

And I hate this because despite my gigantic output of affection, I get few returns: people forget, friendships weaken and fade, text groups are abandoned and not replied to, people change.  Almost all of my relationships are unequal at best and unrequited at worst.  I care too much for people who don’t give a shit about me.

I think the single worst and most prominent feeling I’ve ever experienced happens when I miss someone and they don’t miss me back.

I don’t really wish to change or rid myself of this characteristic — it’s so crucial to who I am.  But I do wish that I could turn it off, like a light switch, sometimes.

-M.L.

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