I’m looking back on my earlier post about my fear that my conditions for love are growing so rigid and strict, I’ll lose the joy of loving things.
At the moment, I can’t recall what that mindset feels like. Right now I am acutely aware of how vulnerable my heart is — and I’m not thinking about the happiness that accompanies love, but its pain. A soft heart not only finds abundant joy and beauty in ordinary things; it also bruises easily and always bleeds.
I’m just going to say it! I’m in love with people — so many people. Not necessarily in the sense that I wanna kiss them or date them or be in relationships with them…I hate that I have to make that distinction at all, because I feel that my love for people shouldn’t be diminished just because it’s not romantic.
The truth is, it doesn’t take much for someone to be elevated in my mind; after only a few interactions, I can find myself caring very deeply for a person, even if we hardly know each other. I feel like I am constantly a great outpouring of emotion; I give away fondness and admiration like free handouts.
And I hate this because despite my gigantic output of affection, I get few returns: people forget, friendships weaken and fade, text groups are abandoned and not replied to, people change. Almost all of my relationships are unequal at best and unrequited at worst. I care too much for people who don’t give a shit about me.
I think the single worst and most prominent feeling I’ve ever experienced happens when I miss someone and they don’t miss me back.
I don’t really wish to change or rid myself of this characteristic — it’s so crucial to who I am. But I do wish that I could turn it off, like a light switch, sometimes.