Oh, February, you will go down in history.
Musings on February
Early February was full of adventures: I went on a dorm-sponsored skiing trip and attended a Cash Cash (EDM) concert. Then there was a brief interlude of back-to-back exams and essays, but I emerged rather unscathed and proceeded to have a pair of sinfully wild weekends.
As that infamous V-day approached, I lightly mourned the fact that it would be my 19th Valentines Day spent single. But when the day came, I remembered that I actually like Valentines Day. The color scheme, chocolates, and cartoon hearts that accompany the holiday are cute. What can I say — I’m a sucker for love, and performing over-sentimental gestures for my friends made my singledom seem not so bad.
I’ve never agreed to go home with boys I meet at parties before, but for some reason when Tony, my most recent stranger, asked, I said “Okay.” I nearly chickened out, but he kissed the back of my hand and said, “I just want to kiss you, honestly.”
That wasn’t true, obviously, so the morning after our second night together, I wordlessly left Tony’s apartment before he could wake up. We didn’t have sex, but things were still moving too fast for my taste. Despite the uncomfortable moments, it was still quite a positive learning experience. I learned that the parts of my body I was self-conscious about actually don’t matter. I learned that hooking up is a lot more intense than briefly making out with strangers — and that I’m probably too inexperienced and sentimental for a casual relationship like that. But I feel calmer now that I know that for sure.
I want you forever even when we’re not together; scars on my body so I can take you wherever
I’m begging darling please, absolve me of my sins, won’t you?
Snippets of Internal Monologue
- Historically, whenever I saw something at the horizon that I realized would hurt me, I’d drive towards it faster, until I was in tremendous pain. This time, I’m trying to turn shit around before that happens. I think I’m growing up.
- I need Jesus.
For my English class, we finished reading Villette and started Bleak House by Charles Dickens. I’m in love with the narrators from both novels. Bleak House is brilliant, despite the fact that I’m woefully behind on the reading lol.
- The “what in tarnation” memes
- My guy friend singing every word to “Starboy” in a falsetto
- The randomly-warm days puncturing winter. I rent a bike and ride it along Schuylkill Banks.