Hope for a year

I wonder, even though it’s been a year since I’ve been a student, when late August/September will no longer smell like a new start. I guess since I am moving back to Philly from my childhood home, I’m beginning a new chapter. (Around this time, I would also have started medical school if I had gotten in. That dream still hangs around like a ghost).

I feared that taking another gap year would feel too much like being stuck in last year, while other people go on to new and better things. I’m trying to remind myself that this year is already different from last year in a lot of ways, and I’ll feel more confident trying novel things.

Looking back on a decade

For kids in the Class of 2020, next year is like a mythical promised land — it has always been a set of numbers too neat and far-off to be true. Until now.

This summer (’18)

I’m looking forward to the months ahead.  This summer, I’m in Philly again doing the same cell bio research as last semester.  But first, my family is traveling to Italy’s Amalfi Coast for a week.  I’m glad I have some down time in between to chill at my childhood home and reconnect with high school friends.

Bright Spots

Over the summer I realized that, maybe, I obsess over my own sadness too much.  This was not apparent to me because I laugh often; I am an optimist; I take joy in little things.  But I also read journal entries from my low points in life, listen to sad music, and tear up a lot.

For a long time, I’ve thought that it wouldn’t be that tragic if my adulthood is luckluster, because my childhood was so bright and rich.  As Charlotte Bronte wrote, “I believe in some blending of hope and sunshine sweetening the worst lots.”  And so I don’t seek out constant gladness: I just try to take care of myself while having opportunities that are so full of pure concentrated happiness that they counteract some of the gloomier parts of my life. 

Summer 2017 Bucketlist

So far, summer has consisted of me learning how to live like an adult and adjusting to working life.  But I also want to make sure I carve out time to fulfill more personal and frivolous goals.  

Favorite Love Song Lyrics

Some ironic and silly, others heart-crushingly emotional.

❤ Ever since we met // I only shoot up with your perfume // it’s the only thing // that makes me I feel as good as you do. — Panic! at the Disco

❤ I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just wanna know what’s on your mind.  I used to say I wanna die before I’m old but because of you I might think twice. — Twenty One Pilots

❤ Somebody told the stars you’re not coming out tonight // so they found a place to hide —  Arctic Monkeys

first semester college revelations

A few things I discovered during my first few months of college.

• I judge people too quickly.  I assume people are more obnoxious, more self-centered, more shallow than they actually are.  I need to be more open-minded when I see someone for the first time.
• The world is full of sensitive boys, and I didn’t even know.  Unlike the empiric/aloof males of my high school, there are so many open and artistic boys here.  It’s heartwarming, but also distracting as fuck.
• Biking is the most joyous form of exercise.
• I’m actually not a bad-looking person.  I assumed so in high school because there was no evident male interest in me, but some encounters with strangers have nicely contradicted me.
• Chance the Rapper brings people together.
• There’s that saying that college is the best four years of your life.  It’s heartwarming, but also slightly threatening.  It creates a sense of pressure and unease whenever you’re idle, not connecting with people, not partying.  There’s no threshold of fun to meet, no debt of shenanigans to pay off if you had an uneventful high school life.  You only have to worry about what you’re comfortable doing.
• Kissing is my favorite hobby and the single best human invention.  Except perhaps for music.
• Despite my gut feeling, there is actually no reason for people to dislike me immediately.  I need to chill out.
• Male friends are actually such an essential asset to life.
• “Stacy’s Mom” is the best song to party to.
• Here’s a dirty little secret.  People don’t actually lose complete control when they’re drinking, no matter how much they boast “I’m sooo drunk right now.”  You can still think and inhibit yourself, albeit with extra effort.  Alcohol is just an excuse to do stuff you already wanted to do.  Its intrigue and social appraisal contributes to the intoxication you think you feel.
• Alcohol is so fucking dumb.  When you think about, you’re literally poisoning yourself. Getting wasted is not fun.  However, there’s a glorious sweet spot after the warm buzz and right before the dizziness.  The key really is to drink slowly.
• I can be outgoing!  I can bring people together!  But I can still be an introvert and enjoy alone-time at the same time.
• I like kissing strangers, but I’m still inherently a romantic.  I still got this sticky soft heart.  I haven’t changed, I just hang around more drunk boys.

-M.L.

Frat Parties : Favorite Moments

• Simply getting past the bouncers (easy for me, since I party in groups of girls) gives a small thrill, a sense of accomplishment.  Then you walk through the door and the cool evening air is suddenly multicolored, steamy, and music-throbbed.  This promise of a fun night is the best welcome.
• Whenever “Mr. Brightside” comes on.
• If there’s a tasty drink, you request it and enjoy how it warms your belly.
• Whenever “Stacy’s Mom” comes on.
• You’re having a GNO, and your girlfriend is hitting a note/striking a pose particularly well.  You ayyyyy in her direction and cheer each other on.  (You also strategically block any creepy guys trying to break into your tight circle — and gossip and laugh about it afterwards).
• Whenever anything by Ke$ha or Fifth Harmony comes on.
• You’re looking around, surveying the possibilities.  You’re not repulsed by the guys, but no one strikes you either.  Then there’s that wonderful moment when you randomly meet eyes with a boy, and you know.
• Perks of loud parties :  A guy tries to talk to you and you’re like, “What?”  Then he repeats, leaning his face really close to your face — you’re both tipsy and sweaty and happy…
• There’s that cusp between flirty friendliness and physical connection that is sacred, holy.  It’s often a wordless moment, yet much is unsaid and understood; solemnly, you abandon the empty small talk and gravitate toward each other.  Hips align and lips meet.
• French kissing and lip biting.  Oh my goodness.
• Whenever any beloved song comes on :  people scream within the first few notes and start jumping up and down excitedly.  Soon you’re all belting every word and singing as one entity.  It’s off-key, primal, basic — it’s beautiful.

-M.L.

FRIENDLY REMINDERS TO MYSELF

• HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
• You don’t know him that well.  He doesn’t know you that well.
• He’s great, but he’s not perfect.  He’s not everything.
• You don’t have to unfold a whole story in one text.  Chop it up and stretch it out.  Let him respond to each bit.  Keep it light.
• 
• At no point do you have to say :  “I like you.”  This is college.  Intimacy and friendship and romance (can) mingle together.  You don’t have to declare anything at each boundary.
• Chill tf out.
• It would be nice to date him.  But it’s not the end of the world if you don’t.  You have options.  (Fun options).
• HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Things I Miss

Reminiscing from a city college dorm

• air conditioning
• driving
• my Squad
• quiet nights in the cul-de-sac
• my pool
• grocery stores
• private bathrooms
• playing in school orchestra
• freshly-made home meals
• Wendy’s
• my Latin teacher and my school’s English department
• throwing stuff on my bedroom floor whenever I feel like it
• being messy with food in my room
• ABSENCE OF COCKROACHES

Things I Don’t Miss