Safe to say I’ve had an emotionally distraught start to the semester, for a variety of reasons. But I healed myself, surrounded myself with the right people, and at the end of this dark January, I feel more like the bouyant, happy girl I was last semester — just a little more grown up now.
This week I went to the Kelly Writers House, a creative writing hub on campus. There, I gulped down homemade soup until I felt uncomfortable, appreciated the rarely-kindled fireplace, and listened to poetry/prose readings.
I like to go to these gatherings to try and inspire my inner-writer — you could say that I’m in a bad case of writer’s block recently. The theme of this event was “Mind of Winter,” based on a Wallace Stevens poem: Continue reading
I’m not holding the door open for him (letting the cold air pour in, numbing my ankles), but I’m not slamming it and bolting the lock either.
Right now I think the door is ajar, leaving me an indulgent and toxic crevice for me to peek out of, for those moments when I pretend I don’t know better. Slowly but surely, I’m drawing it shut, and one day I know I will finally close it in peace.
But I know that I will not lock it — oh, not for a long time. It means that a brief visit, a careless turn of the knob, will swing it wide again. That frightens me.
I don’t want to let him in again. I only want him back if he comes to the threshold with flowers, wipes his feet on the mat — plans to stay.
A few things I discovered during my first few months of college.
- I judge people too quickly. I assume people are more obnoxious, more self-centered, more shallow than they actually are. I need to be more open-minded when I see someone for the first time.
- The world is full of sensitive boys, and I didn’t even know. Unlike the empiric/aloof males of my high school, there are so many open and artistic boys here. It’s heartwarming, but also distracting as fuck.
- Biking is the most joyous form of exercise.
- I’m actually not a bad-looking person. I assumed so in high school because there was no evident male interest in me, but some encounters with strangers have nicely contradicted me.
- Chance the Rapper brings people together.
- There’s that saying that college is the best four years of your life. It’s heartwarming, but also slightly threatening. It creates a sense of pressure and unease whenever you’re idle, not connecting with people, not partying. There’s no threshold of fun to meet, no debt of shenanigans to pay off if you had an uneventful high school life. You only have to worry about what you’re comfortable doing.
- Kissing is my favorite hobby and the single best human invention. Except perhaps for music.
- Despite my gut feeling, there is actually no reason for people to dislike me immediately. I need to chill out.
- Male friends are actually such an essential asset to life.
- “Stacy’s Mom” is the best song to party to.
- Here’s a dirty little secret. People don’t actually lose complete control when they’re drinking, no matter how much they boast “I’m sooo drunk right now.” You can still think and inhibit yourself, albeit with extra effort. Alcohol is just an excuse to do stuff you already wanted to do. Its intrigue and social appraisal contributes to the intoxication you think you feel.
- Alcohol is so fucking dumb. When you think about, you’re literally poisoning yourself. Getting wasted is not fun. However, there’s a glorious sweet spot after the warm buzz and right before the dizziness. The key really is to drink slowly.
- I can be outgoing! I can bring people together! But I can still be an introvert and enjoy alone-time at the same time.
- I like kissing strangers, but I’m still inherently a romantic. I still got this sticky soft heart. I haven’t changed, I just hang around more drunk boys.
The beginnings of my Decembers are always good to me, thanks to my birthday and budding holiday spirit. In recent years, though, I usually experience a mid-December slump. This year it came in a flood of schoolwork, but the low sense of self-worth didn’t hit me until after Finals. Still, the holidays have sufficiently cheered me up, and I’m just hungry and hopeful for a fresh start.
Selections from my Camera Roll
My Birthday Continue reading
Today I woke up late and, after eating a lazy brunch, went to a local sports bar with my family for a proper lunch. We were showing my sister’s Dutch boyfriend a sample of American culture. With loud football broadcasts from flatscreen TVs, crispy chicken wings, and fried pickles, I think we fulfilled our goal.
Next we drove to the lake to see the frozen beach and the seagulls poised on thick ice. After that we went grocery shopping at the most heavenly place ever, Wegmans. Back home, I sipped sparkling cider and hot chocolate. I munched on chestnuts as my sister, her boyfriend, and I rewatched Home Alone. As we sat on the couch, I looked at my Christmas tree between Macaulay Culkin’s iconic scenes, letting the Christmas spirit soak in. Continue reading
If you’re friends with me on Snapchat, more often than not you’ll see this next to my name:
Yes, I’m the girl who’s a bit trigger-happy with screenshots. When friends confront me about my this, I swear that I’m not collecting blackmail: I just find disproportionate delight in seemingly mundane photos and text. Especially for Snapchat — there’s something earthy and guileless in my friends’ selfies that I treasure.
Do you ever scroll through your camera roll and see absolutely useless snapshots? Yet, even though my phone’s storage protests, I can’t bring myself to delete some of these pictures. Continue reading
NOVEMBER : though October was the hardest for me academically, November was the most emotionally-challenging month yet. I had a hard time dealing with the uncertainty of current events and my future (lol what is a major/career?) But I spent time with good people and beautiful places, gradually restoring my life force.
Life Updates Continue reading
A rental bike station has always stood invitingly at the corner of my street, beckoning me for an urban outing. Continue reading
The other day I was doing what I’ve been doing for the past three months : sitting with a group of friends in idle conversation before bedtime. I didn’t have much to say, and I didn’t have the energy to generate something to add. Sometimes, when I’m feeling down, I huddle myself in the distracting warmth of their conversation. But that day, I didn’t feel comforted — just tired and kinda awkward.
My inner introvert has been calling me recently. At the beginning of college, I pushed myself to be more social, shedding the coat of solitude that insulates me. For a while, I forgot that I was introvert : I was always hungry for another party, another conversation, another friend. I kept myself up late with pal shenanigans and kept myself surrounded with good people and discussions. Solitude felt lonely, not recuperative.
But for the first time in a while, I’m craving seclusion again. I can tell because I keep envisioning “fun plans” of me doing stuff completely alone. Continue reading