Monthly Me (June ’17)

June, a landmark month in many ways: it was my first time I was responsible for my own rent, food, and employment.  Adulting is hard!  I spent most of the month merely adjusting to the new independence.  I’ve enjoyed myself immensely, but I’ve also already learned a lot within these few weeks.

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Emotional Containers

This past semester, I felt locked in a post-you era.  Even though, after you said those fateful words — “I’m not looking for a relationship” — I stopped liking you and even stopped hurting for you, I failed to restart, like some stuttering obsolete computer.   I felt like I couldn’t, not without some sort of signal to transition.  I wanted to flip over the page to the next chapter of my life, but it felt like the same chapter kept going on and on — even though different stuff started happening, even though you stopped being a character.  I guess I wanted to look up at the night sky and see the stars aligned in the words: THE END.  I wanted a sign.

But now, the semester is over.  There is no boundary as definitive as the beginning of sweet summer.  I brush the dust of you and my leftover feelings into the container called Freshman Year and seal it off for good. Continue reading

Summer Plans

Hey!  Some exciting announcements.

After my last final exam of freshman year (!!!), I’m flying straight to Amsterdam to visit my sister, who works there.  Then I think we’re visiting Budapest and a few other places before meeting my parents in Spain.  We’re seeing Madrid, Seville, Granada and Barcelona.   Continue reading

Glimmer of Hope

For my school newspaper, I was covering a panel about reproductive justice.  One of the panelists said something that changed me a little.  She said, “One of my priorities is to consistently and unapologetically be proactive on my word.  Just because the political climate changes, doesn’t mean that my goals and my values change.  Regardless of who’s in power, regardless of who my constituents are.  What I need to do as an organizer is to change conditions to make sure that happens.  We forget how powerful and impactful people power is.” Continue reading

Morning After

There was no obliviating fade to black, and then a reemergence of consciousness and light.  I had been laying in the diluted dark for hours, listening to him breathe deeply next to me, tiptoeing to the bathroom, until the gradient of day and night pulled itself over the horizon, shifted across his bare apartment, and the birds began to chirp. Continue reading

In the Company of Myself

Recently I’ve been smiling sadly my high school self; I’ve been re-reading some journal entries from her senior year English notebook.  Essentially, she was lonely and confused, searching for a sense of identity and starving for companionship.  She wrote down dreams of long hugs and soft hand touches. Continue reading

Monthly Me (Jan ’17)

Safe to say I’ve had an emotionally distraught start to the semester, for a variety of reasons.  But I healed myself, surrounded myself with the right people, and at the end of this dark January, I feel more like the bouyant, happy girl I was last semester — just a little more grown up now.

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first semester college revelations

A few things I discovered during my first few months of college.

  • I judge people too quickly.  I assume people are more obnoxious, more self-centered, more shallow than they actually are.  I need to be more open-minded when I see someone for the first time.
  • The world is full of sensitive boys, and I didn’t even know.  Unlike the empiric/aloof males of my high school, there are so many open and artistic boys here.  It’s heartwarming, but also distracting as fuck.
  • Biking is the most joyous form of exercise.
  • I’m actually not a bad-looking person.  I assumed so in high school because there was no evident male interest in me, but some encounters with strangers have nicely contradicted me.
  • Chance the Rapper brings people together.
  • There’s that saying that college is the best four years of your life.  It’s heartwarming, but also slightly threatening.  It creates a sense of pressure and unease whenever you’re idle, not connecting with people, not partying.  There’s no threshold of fun to meet, no debt of shenanigans to pay off if you had an uneventful high school life.  You only have to worry about what you’re comfortable doing.
  • Kissing is my favorite hobby and the single best human invention.  Except perhaps for music.
  • Despite my gut feeling, there is actually no reason for people to dislike me immediately.  I need to chill out.
  • Male friends are actually such an essential asset to life.
  • “Stacy’s Mom” is the best song to party to.
  • Here’s a dirty little secret.  People don’t actually lose complete control when they’re drinking, no matter how much they boast “I’m sooo drunk right now.”  You can still think and inhibit yourself, albeit with extra effort.  Alcohol is just an excuse to do stuff you already wanted to do.  Its intrigue and social appraisal contributes to the intoxication you think you feel.
  • Alcohol is so fucking dumb.  When you think about, you’re literally poisoning yourself. Getting wasted is not fun.  However, there’s a glorious sweet spot after the warm buzz and right before the dizziness.  The key really is to drink slowly.
  • I can be outgoing!  I can bring people together!  But I can still be an introvert and enjoy alone-time at the same time.
  • I like kissing strangers, but I’m still inherently a romantic.  I still got this sticky soft heart.  I haven’t changed, I just hang around more drunk boys.

-M.L.